I think my fart just growled at me.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize