She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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