i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
