He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
