You're my little dorito
of course. lets lasso hookers.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
