his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
