a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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