Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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