I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Never joke about your clitoris.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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