I want to have your abortion
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
