I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
