Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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