Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We just shotgunned beers for America
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
