you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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