i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
