i will never coherently bang her
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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