my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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