I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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