just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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