Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
