well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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