at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
