Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
