I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
