Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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