Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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