I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
