hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
