Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
