so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
