I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
