I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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