Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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