Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
