He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
