one might say we're banned from that church
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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