Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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