This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize