hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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