dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
