Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
