Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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