i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
