it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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