Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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