Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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