I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
