I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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