Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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