Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
