I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
