Your dad touched me again.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
