She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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