get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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