The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
