pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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