I think I won the penis lottery.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
