Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
