she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He passed out mid-signature
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have fence marks all over my body
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
