what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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