When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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